Over the past 6 months, I had plenty of opportunity to feel my way through the concept of separation. Try as I might, I cannot confirm that my soulman is gone, has left me, or that I am left behind. Just now, as I stood in the kitchen clearing away the dishes from our family dinner, I felt my way into that expression and the concept I have believed for so long… separation… and there was nothing there to feel. As I asked the question in my heart, my soulman answered me straight away ‘because I’m right here, with you and the kids’. Simple as that.
The beauty in this is that my mind is involved, and she is accepting the inner dialogue. Often enough, my mind has asked the
question of being left alone, of being left behind, of mourning that he is gone. And always, my soulman answered and answers from inside my heart. He is with me, every moment of every day, and
every step of the way. The only unusual thing is that I cannot see him with my physical eyes now, I cannot touch him with my physical hands. I cannot smell him, his typical scent… and yet, he is
so close. Even when I don’t consciously connect with him, when I just sit on the couch and stare blankly at the tv, he is there. The other day, as I watched tv, my mind was wandering and
wondering. As I now sit in my soulman’s space on the couch (he made a mould, and I love it!), I was thinking of him, a million thoughts in a millisecond in a ‘by-the-way-style’. And immediately,
I felt this warmth in my back, as if he was cuddling in from behind me. Let me rephrase that – he WAS cuddling in from behind me.
My mind still works on wording the unimaginable wondrous stuff, on speaking my truth in a loving way when I talk with other people about my experience. Putting into words what I was never really taught by our modern western society, and what I am experiencing first hand every day now. Going deeper than using phrases of comfort or carefully thought-through descriptions that leave no room for anyone feeling offended. Being vulnerable by speaking my truth in the most direct way, risking to be misunderstood or to be told off (that inner child of mine is still careful not to be told off for ‘telling lies’ or for fantasizing…) .
I respect everyone’s individual experience with grief, and I respect the opinions, thoughts and suggestions of my conversation partners. As I walk this path and learn something new every day, I am asked to speak up clearly, without wobbling around my truth. In the past, it was often easier for me to just stop talking or to dodge ‘difficult’ topics, for the sake of other people involved in the conversation. And this is where the circle closes itself – separation no more. I will speak my truth, I will share my Hollywood moments, no matter what. This is part of me, why should I separate it from my conversations?
I believe it is important that you can read my words here now, and maybe some tiny little spark of inspiration ignites in you. Follow that spark, and find your own wondrous stuff. It might be part of what society offers us as truth, and it might be something totally crazy. Share it anyway, no matter what. The separation thing is only true when we believe it is true. I believe in oneness. I believe that my soulman and I have merged since he moved to the other side of the rainbow. We are really one, always were and always will be. It was my mind that thought and believed otherwise, and my mind is learning and accepting my soul truth now. I am grateful.