Over the past 6 months, I had plenty of opportunity to feel my way through the concept of separation. Try as I might, I cannot confirm that my soulman is gone, has left me, or that I am left behind. Just now, as I stood in the kitchen clearing away the dishes from our family dinner, I felt my way into that expression and the concept I have believed for so long… separation… and there was nothing there to feel. As I asked the question in my heart, my soulman answered me straight away ‘because I’m right here, with you and the kids’. Simple as that.
The beauty in this is that my mind is involved, and she is accepting the inner dialogue. Often enough, my mind has asked the
question of being left alone, of being left behind, of mourning that he is gone. And always, my soulman answered and answers from inside my heart. He is with me, every moment of every day, and
every step of the way. The only unusual thing is that I cannot see him with my physical eyes now, I cannot touch him with my physical hands. I cannot smell him, his typical scent… and yet, he is
so close. Even when I don’t consciously connect with him, when I just sit on the couch and stare blankly at the tv, he is there. The other day, as I watched tv, my mind was wandering and
wondering. As I now sit in my soulman’s space on the couch (he made a mould, and I love it!), I was thinking of him, a million thoughts in a millisecond in a ‘by-the-way-style’. And immediately,
I felt this warmth in my back, as if he was cuddling in from behind me. Let me rephrase that – he WAS cuddling in from behind me.
My mind still works on wording the unimaginable wondrous stuff, on speaking my truth in a loving way when I talk with other people about my experience. Putting into words what I was never really taught by our modern western society, and what I am experiencing first hand every day now. Going deeper than using phrases of comfort or carefully thought-through descriptions that leave no room for anyone feeling offended. Being vulnerable by speaking my truth in the most direct way, risking to be misunderstood or to be told off (that inner child of mine is still careful not to be told off for ‘telling lies’ or for fantasizing…) .
I respect everyone’s individual experience with grief, and I respect the opinions, thoughts and suggestions of my conversation partners. As I walk this path and learn something new every day, I am asked to speak up clearly, without wobbling around my truth. In the past, it was often easier for me to just stop talking or to dodge ‘difficult’ topics, for the sake of other people involved in the conversation. And this is where the circle closes itself – separation no more. I will speak my truth, I will share my Hollywood moments, no matter what. This is part of me, why should I separate it from my conversations?
I believe it is important that you can read my words here now, and maybe some tiny little spark of inspiration ignites in you. Follow that spark, and find your own wondrous stuff. It might be part of what society offers us as truth, and it might be something totally crazy. Share it anyway, no matter what. The separation thing is only true when we believe it is true. I believe in oneness. I believe that my soulman and I have merged since he moved to the other side of the rainbow. We are really one, always were and always will be. It was my mind that thought and believed otherwise, and my mind is learning and accepting my soul truth now. I am grateful.
In the love space, we are beautiful. And our loved ones are asking us to be beautiful in everyday life also, no matter what. One day, I heard my soulman say to me in my mind ‘prepare to be beautiful’. I kind of understand what he means, and I am doing my best to be beautiful each moment. I am also gentle with myself, and I accept when I am moody, angry, sad or anything else that is supposedly ‘not beautiful’.
When we can find our center, our eye of the storm, our love space, our hope space – we can just be, without any expectations from the outside world, from society, from ‘them’.
With so much input coming our way in a grieving situation, we might get confused and lose our inner standing. And that’s ok also. As long as we notice (the sooner the better), so we can start finding our way back into our love space.
By choosing love over fear each and every day, we can stay in our love space much easier over time. This might require some training, as we often get distracted by what’s expected from us in the world. By remembering to choose love, by saying it out loud or writing it down, stating it to our friends and family, we make a choice. Words have power!
Being beautiful to me includes being ourselves. So if we have red eyes from crying and uncombed hair, we are still beautiful. It’s not necessarily the look, the clothes, the make-up. It’s being true to who we are, to what we feel and it is very powerful when we can be authentic. And yet – it can make quite the difference when we decide to dress up a little, rather than walking around in sweat pants and cardigan… It’s a matter of choice. As long as we feel comfortable in our own skin, it doesn’t matter what we wear.
Looking back after 5 months of walking through my grieving experience, I can say I am grateful for all those moments where I had nothing to do for the outside world. It seems my soulman had organized everything in a way that was perfect for me, so from day one for about 4 weeks, I had plenty of linear time to just sit and be. So what happened was that I sat in the sun very often, with my eyes closed, just breathing and thinking of my man. And now, I truly do treasure these moments, each and every one of them. Even if I can’t remember them all anymore as time flew by in quite a blur in hindsight, I KNOW and FEEL the beauty of it all.
Moments become eternities, and eternities become seconds.
Linear time and my time are different things. I believe this was and is part of my training to remember I am soul. When I fall out of linear time, my mind
fades into the background and I can connect directly and immediately with spirit (my soulman). My hearing gets so clear, I feel my man being so close, and even though I cannot see him with my
physical eyes, I KNOW he is here with me. To me, it feels like we merged when he moved to the other side of the rainbow. The merge was immediate and complete in an instant, and now it is my turn
to integrate this newness into my world and my being. It wasn’t anything physical that I noticed about this merge. It was a feeling, a sensation, a sensing, a unity somehow… I am still looking
for words to describe this… So if you’re wondering if it might have been a ‘hostile takeover’ – not at all. I didn’t realize it fully for a few days, it was a puzzle I put together piece by
piece. As I am open to experiencing things like this, there was no fear involved at all, more astonishment and surprise at the ease in which it was happening. And with linear time becoming blurry
and unreal, I was able to just enjoy each discovery of a new puzzle piece.
Knowing and believing
To me, believing comes before knowing. So for the last 20 years, I worked on my belief system, slowly doing it more and more consciously. Over time, things shifted from Belief into Knowing more and more, there was no more doubt in so many areas and shifting into the love space became more frequent. Experiencing my personal connection with spirit (no one in particular back then) trained me further. Remembering to follow my heart, my gut and my intuition was the first door I walked through, and it became daily training for me. All this training was preparation for what I am experiencing now.
As a coach for Conscious Awareness and Intuition, I find it very relevant to go through my own healing as much as I can, so I can support others on their path. Recently, I have tackled (again)
the topic of codependency, which has been a part of my life for about 40 years. Now, I have reached a point where I am able to share my thoughts, feelings and part of my walk with you, and I hope
you can find value in my words.
Codependency is defined as a psychological condition, and involves many factors. Having grown up as a codependent child, I wasn't aware of this condition at all, I just lived my life the best I could. And I want to stress out that it is nobody's fault that I grew up the way I did - it just happened.
On a soul level, I do believe that I consciously chose to live all the experiences in my life, which doesn't make it easier living them though and doesn't vouch as an excuse for anything
So when did I become aware of the term codependency? A friend mentioned it to me a few years back (feels like a lifetime ago!), as she was going through her own healing and invited me to come to a self-help group with her. I went and I could relate a little, but nothing really hit me in the heart there and then. Looking back now, I can't even say when the exact moment came that I realized I am actively living this condition, but I do remember what I felt.
The realization came in combination with acknowledging to myself how close I had come to falling into the abyss of being an alcoholic. I went down on my knees and wept in shock, as I lifted that very heavy veil that had served as a cloak of protection for so long. I felt weak and vulnerable, naked, very scared and so alone... as I knew nobody but myself could step out of this mess to reach out to the helping hands around me.
What next? The mind/ ego/ brain part of me was frantic, trying to convince the rest of me that the status quo was fine, that the heavy cloak was necessary to protect me in this life. Without my old familiar patterns and mechanisms, what would I do? How would I continue on with my life, with the responsibilities of being a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a woman? Let alone my profession...
My soul reminded me then that I wasn't alone, that there is help out there always and that I could count on my soul family - and I listened. So I followed my soul's guidance, picked myself up and started to HELP MYSELF - it felt like I was consciously doing it for the very first time. The aftershock is still with me today, as the waves of healing and interconnectedness continue to ripple through me. The consequences of my codependency started to come into my day consciousness, as I had opened an inner flood gate and I welcomed each and every visual, idea, thought and feeling. I accepted the wound and started tending to it, rather than avoiding and denying it, and I slowly started to peel off the codependent skin.
All this happened in my usual environment of taking care of my two young kids, dealing with the everyday stuff, organizing my work life and being a wife and friend to my soulman. One of the treasures I found in my codependency is that I have always been quite the independent person, and so I helped myself as best as I could with the tools of self-support that I was teaching my clients and students. My soul reminded me once more that I am my best friend, and that I can always count on my inner voice to help me heal and to help me move forward.
The result back then was that I had no more desire for alcohol whatsoever, it wasn't a strain, and it wasn't a pain to sit with friends and watch them having a drink. It felt like the addiction part of it all had subsided - but I later realized that that was only partly true. Also, I went to a meeting of the Alanons, a group for family members of alcoholics. I sat there, listened to the introduction, held my friend's hand tightly and waited for my turn. When all eyes were on me, I could only say 'my name is Barbara' and then I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for what felt like an hour. Nobody said anything, and I could see the compassion in everybody's eyes as they knew exactly what I was going through. Finally, I was able to say my piece, I was welcomed by the group and the next person talked. When I walked out of that room, it felt like I left tons of grief and pain back there which I didn't need to carry anymore... and I never went back to the group. In my case, acknowledging publicly to a group of people who knew what was going on inside of me, was enough to lift layers of secrets and unspoken truths. I was so relieved!
And the healing continued and still does, as time and again, I am encountering situations and people who trigger the codependency in all its depth. It isn't 'just' the alcohol, or any other visible addiction, it is also the emotional part, the part where I am invited to look into the way I create and live relationships with others. And why I do the things I do.
As a codependent child, I did everything I could to secure my relationships with the people I loved. I covered for anything and everything, I tolerated any kind of behaviour, I agreed to let myself be bullied, threatened, emotionally abused, and I even carried my loved ones on my own back so they could live my life instead of their own. All the while, I trusted with all my heart and soul, wishing for these people to become better, to heal, to see their light at the end of their tunnel.
Along my own healing path, at one point I started thinking that I must have lost my trust and faith early on in my childhood. Writing these words now, I realize I never have lost my trust and faith in the world and in my loved ones. I 'just' covered it with many layers of suspicion, distrust, secrecy, looking the other way, ignoring, being hurt and offended, jealousy, unforgiveness, and also by loving as best as I could - all ways of what I thought to be self-protection. By becoming aware of all these patterns, I was able to start stripping them away, one by one, sometimes a few at a time. I reopened the wounds, I bled, I hurt and I wept, for myself and for my loved ones. This is an ongoing process, and I am pretty sure it will go on for a while, as these wounds hold so much for me to learn and appreciate about myself.
In my present relationships, I still (sometimes) experience rejection, nastiness and lies. So I continue to find the treasures in what I am shown, when I can admit and realize that everybody outside of me reflects back something I can heal inside. And I am soul grateful for having chosen a path of conscious awareness where I can deal with and heal the wounds as I walk, learning something new every day, and where my soul connection is getting stronger with every step I take.
Knowing, trusting, believing and remembering that my soul is whole is my most precious discovery on the path.
A dear colleague of mine teaches that every protection layer we carry holds a treasure, a gift that we have covered up and that is worth being retrieved. As I love retrieving treasures, I am happy that my choice of profession is also my heart's calling. Making my soul visible to me is such a deep and profound joy - I wouldn't want to have it any other way.